I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
