just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My dick has a subreddit
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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