the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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