I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
