I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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