all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
