Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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