I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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