so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
