she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
