I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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