She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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