If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
