if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
