i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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