im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
