Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
