Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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