Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
