Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
