She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
