I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
