Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
