Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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