I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
