Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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