I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
