Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
