I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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