my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
