Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
