Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
