If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
