I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
