it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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