and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
