Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
