when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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