My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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