then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i can't believe i had my finger in that
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
