We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
