Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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