my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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