bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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