checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
