nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Let's get the cat blown out
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
