Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
