so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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