chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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