if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
