Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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