I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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