I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
