believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
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There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
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Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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