Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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