can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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