I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
